Passionate Living

Cecilia used to be an iPhone user, but now she’s crossed over to being a Blackberry owner. Her Blackberry was skinned with a green-and-pink floral pattern that made the device look more for fun than for business. That’s one of the things that I find attractive about Cecilia: she’s a nonchalant, free-spirited girl who shows her slight disagreement for social norms by dying her hair in a failed orange shade.

Considering her non-mindfulness, I take it as a privilege of mine to be one of few people who can instantly be engaged in a serious conversation with Cecilia. Though most of the time, I need to keep balance between serious thoughts and a joke or two, because Cecilia tends to lose the plot once in a while. But today, she’s able to keep up with our conversation about her soon-to-be-married life without much distraction (except for the occasional BB ping once every while).

In her previous relationships with countless boys (we’ve both lost count on how many ex-boyfriends she’s had), she did it mostly for fun than to find a serious relationship. That’s why the thought of being married is slightly daunting for her, because she knows it won’t last with her current attitude for relationships. Cecilia asked me how she should approach married life, and I told her the difference about romance in dating and romance in marriage.

The grand vs the small

When we date, we seek out the grand romantic gestures and the beautiful feeling of a first date or a first kiss. This is the dream of youth: to be swirled away by the fairy tale romance in our own individual storylines. But this overrated drama where relationships are always full of romance and adventure, is short lived, or at least not as epic as we would like it to be.

In marriage, being romantic is more about the little things over a long span of time rather than the big things that die out quickly. Yes, the grand gestures have their place, and should be done once in a while, but it’s the subtleties and insinuations that win in the long run. Failure to realize the difference means failure to live the relationship to the fullest.

In a more general point of view, consistency of little ideas wins over epicness of big ideas almost all of the time. Youth is led to believe that it’s the big things that we need to pursue in life, but the truth is the reverse of that. In order to achieve success in any area of life, we need to practice the consistent baby steps, in order to be masters of walking, running, and flying.

Therefore, true romance takes time. You can’t hurry love (as Phil Collins says), but it’s not about waiting either. It’s about putting in the hard work and being aware of the everyday subtleties in order to avoid discreet mistakes that add up from small cracks to big fissures that can ultimately break the relationship.

The grand and the small

Cecilia dipped the straw in her non-coffee coffee shop beverage and tasted the whipped cream on top. She thought about the idea of taking baby steps in marriage, and nodded in agreement. Cecilia mentioned she was trying to change her attitude and pay more attention to the little things.

Not that her fiance is oblivious to romance; in fact he’s quite romantic, but mainly in the grand gesture kind of way. Cecilia mentioned that sometimes, even though he does romantic things for her, she doesn’t pay any attention to it and makes no special note of it. I guess she’ll have to work on it, like everybody else does in their relationships.

I’ve always believed that Cecilia had more to her than the frivolous high maintenance image she displays. Sometimes she does go off on a superficial tangent, but if you know her you know that’s just her style. Meanwhile, my style is to make her see, the kind of good person that I believe she could be.

And like I said, Phil Collins:

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California Sunset by Paul Sapiano

Last weekend I went to Bandung with my friends for the Valentine-Chinese New Year celebration (well, not really, but I like to think so). We stopped at my friend’s place at the mountainside area of Cigadung to rest for a while before continuing the afternoon with our events. It was a breath of fresh air (literally) compared to the daily heat and business of the capital Jakarta.

Taking time off is important for our health and sanity, especially when we have demanding jobs and work in an artificial and highly metropolitan area like the capital. Therefore, this trip to Bandung also served as a mini catharsis to detoxify myself from the poison endured everyday living in the capital.

It’s also important to retreat ourselves from the interconnectedness that’s ubiquitous in today’s technology savvy society. With the advent of Facebook, Twitter, and other social media that allow us to be jacked in 24/7, going somewhere with no internet connection – or better yet, no cellphone reception – may be a good idea to try once every while. As I walked on the cool country road on the mountainside, I thought about that for a while, and I also thought about how our previous generations lived their lives, technology wise.

Old fashion romance

You see, with every new technology that later is adopted widely by society, our children come to think how did we ever live without that technology (such as cellphones or the internet, remember the days when they weren’t around yet?). Of course we see and accept, humankind has always lived comfortably with the technology available to us at the time we are alive. Yet we think we couldn’t possibly live without our Blackberrys and iPhones and Wi-Fi connection.

It made me think, how did the old hearts love? You know, the people who were living pre-internet (and by pre-internet, I don’t mean pre-1990’s, I mean pre-1950’s when the computer and internet was still a novel prototype). How did this old generation communicate, share their moments, and make new discoveries like new music or new television shows?

And most important, how did they love each other, when they were apart? In today’s world, we are addicted to instant replies such that if we don’t hear from our loved ones within an hour we start to panic. But the old generation, the old hearts, maybe had to wait weeks even months before they can hear a simple reply, handwritten, sealed, signed, delivered, from their loved ones. Doesn’t that teach you something about being patient?

Old school communication

That’s why I say old hearts love fast. Because they survived on what we would call today minimal technology: landline telephones and snail mail, old school romance style. They needed a great amount of patience and understanding to wait for the communication system of the world to bring their message to their loved ones and back.

Communication may be getting easier, but is it getting better? The argument is, of course, no: it’s not getting better. The tools only raise our frequency in communication, but not our quality in communication.

There’s something charming about old school romance, and how wireless (even electrical-less) it all was back in the day. I think we can take a lesson or two from the love stories of our grandparents and great-grandparents. There’s a lot of untold stories and a wealth of experience there.

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*One week late, but better than never (this one has soothing saxophones):

Something New by Endy Daniyanto

Although, based on the title “Old Hearts Love Fast”, “Love You So” might be a better soundtrack

[1] Photograph by Paul Sapiano. Because it’s simple love.

Lego - Grumpy by Daniel Blunt

I feel I have this sensitivity towards other people’s emotions. What I mean is I can tell what’s making someone sad or angry. And lately, I think this sensitivity is growing stronger.

There was one time years ago when a friend of mine called me, and she sounded really happy. She talked about things she did that day with a bright and cheerful tone. But something raised my suspicion and made me ask her “Have you been crying?”, and she said “Yes.”

Several nights ago, my mother was angry about something and I was guessing she was angry about “this”. Later I learned she was angry about “this”. It made me amused at myself because I was able to figure it out before my mother told me the reason.

Hurting other people

The point of this story however isn’t about knowing why other people feel and act they way they do. Instead, the point is how to not hurt other people even when we’re tired and exhausted. That’s the lesson I learn every time someone at home gets angry and the negativity starts to spread among family members.

Nobody likes to be around a grumpy person in the morning. Because how we feel in the morning determines significantly how we feel throughout the day. So if we were feeling fine before, and then someone in the family becomes grumpy and ruins the atmosphere in the house, it doesn’t only hurt her but it hurts everyone in the family.

We already have much to do during the day that we can’t afford to waste our energy on negative emotions, especially in the morning. We might want to express our frustrations in hope that someone understands how we feel, but the benefits are outweighed by the detrimental effects. It’s a much better choice to exercise patience, and do our best to cause as little damage as possible.

Having the sensitivity

This is a lesson I’m still learning. There are times when I feel I’m reckless with other people’s feelings – I worry I joke about something that’s a serious issue for them. At times like this, I try to exercise sympathy and see if I can see what they see.

Letting people know how we feel, including when we are upset, is necessary to maintain a healthy and stable emotion. But most of the time, we express our anger and rage merely to satisfy our ego and not to find a solution. When this happens, the relationship suffers because both sides are hurt.

Have the self-awareness to know when your negative feelings hurt other people. Do your best to be an independent person. When everybody else is feeling down, become someone who is cheerful and bright and you’ll find that acting the way we want to feel is a powerful exercise.

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Further reading:

[1] When You Can’t Smile, 2009
[2] How to Not be Angry, 2009
[3] Photograph by Daniel Blunt. Because it’s LEGO!