Passionate Living

Telephone by ~bexe

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4

Cecilia and I used to spend a lot of time talking on the phone, especially when it was me living out of town. We would talk about nothing in particular, enjoying the niceties of friends who are comfortable in each others accompaniment without purpose. We could spend hours interchanging between random topics, of course with several fundamental lessons imprinted along the way.

But sometimes I would feel bad about calling her, because sometimes I feel our conversation was a waste of time for her. Sometimes I felt it was only me who wanted to talk, even though Cecilia spent the most time talking and me mostly listening. Sometimes I stopped myself from calling her just because I wanted to.

But today, the tables are turned. This time it was her fiance who called her and made our meeting up became uncomfortable. This time it was his action that spread out negative energy between the three of us that still plagued me until the day was almost over.

Glimpse of a good morning

Negative energy is more contagious that positive energy – arbitrarily nine times stronger. When we are angry, especially in the morning, we tend to target our family members and vent out our anger on them, even though it has nothing to do with them particularly. When we do this, not only do we make ourselves more angry, we also jeopardize any glimpse of a good morning our family members might have been having.

We do this not only in our own houses, but everywhere we are. Everywhere we work, play, shop, drive, exercise, and hang out are potential places where we could be spreading negative energy when we are upset. The total cost to society, especially the people around us, is much greater than the small amount (if any) of relief that we think we get by making other people know we are angry.

In Cecilia’s case, her fiance was upset she had met up with me, and through his uncomfortable cell phone call [1], he managed to spread his negativity all the way from Bali, and canceled the momentum Cecilia and I were in. We ended the conversation right there, since both of us were already victims of the negative energy, and I drove her to her studio in silence.

But the worse part of it all isn’t the abrupt interruption – the worse part is how the negative energy affected me throughout the rest of the day. I like to say I am a person who works on being happy, so when somebody comes along and manages to ruin that happiness by their being selfish and childish, it really upsets me [2]. I did my best to regain composure, but the damage was done, and the negative energy inevitably plagued me all day.

No respect

One question we need to ask ourselves is: is it worth it? Is it worth expressing your childish selfishness, just to make yourself feel better? Is it worth it, pushing the point that you’re right and she’s wrong, and that she has to apologize like you’ve never made your share of mistakes?

There are no rewards for being an angry person. There’s no acknowledgment, no respect, no growth, no happiness, no love, no health benefits, and especially no integrity when you expect someone else to be responsible for your failing to manage your emotions. There’s no reason why we should allow ourselves to spread the negative energy and endanger the momentum people are building in their days – since that is already difficult to do by default.

Stop being childish and grow up. If you are angry, it means you have no integrity – because you are threatened by the things that reveal your weaknesses, therefore you resort to defensive stances. Be aware, and be actionable – know what is the real problem you are having and tackle the problem with the head of an adult; not the eagerness of a teenager.

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[1] It makes me wonder how some people can do that; pick up the phone to start an argument. The point of telecommunication is so that we don’t get caught in the moment and have time to think through what we are about to say before we say it! The point is being able to prevent exact occurrences like this one!
[2] It crushes me, when an adult behaves like a child, and they can’t see that for themselves. That is NOT true happiness; that is NOT true strength of character; that is STILL living in your own illusion of reality

*And I almost forgot, here is the NEW SONG that I should have uploaded a week ago:
When You Come Through For Me by Endy Daniyanto

Mistake__by_01000100

Read the pilot episode here
Read episode 2 here
Read episode 3 here

Cecilia and I share an unexpected kind of relationship. Unexpected because by any other standard, she and I would not be friends at all. It was because I met her when we both signed up for a self-awareness training about 4 years ago and we ended up being in the same class.

At first I didn’t pay any attention to her at all, and we spent the entire course practically out of each others concern. It wasn’t until the end of the course when she came up to me and gave her token of appreciation for what I did for the entire class. I didn’t say anything in return, and we didn’t talk to each other again for two years.

After we returned in touch, only then did I notice the authenticity of Cecilia’s character. I knew she didn’t realize it herself, but I saw she could become a very good person indeed. Since then, I’ve been trying to persuade her to see what I see, and in every chance I get I try to engage her character and help her grow to become the strong, independent, intelligent, and caring young woman inside – including this meeting we were having.

Because I have this “mission” with her, but can only meet her once or twice a year, I take every opportunity as something valuable that needs to be properly used. Cecilia usually needs some idle chit-chat to get the conversation engine going, but after that we can head straight to the serious matters. Today, I think we were making good progress, until we were interrupted by one phone call.

Cecilia picked up her green floral pattern Blackberry while saying, “Someone’s angry”. I had a question mark expression on my face as she excused herself and talked on the phone. I didn’t notice it at first, but after several minutes I could tell it was her fiance on the other end. I knew they were talking about something serious, but I didn’t catch that they were talking about me.

After she closed the phone, I asked Cecilia about some parts of the conversation I overheard and tried to put together in my head. It seems Cecilia’s fiance didn’t like the idea about the two of us meeting. Cecilia argued with her fiance that he didn’t know me well, and I couldn’t be of any threat or do anything out of manner with her (since I’m a nice guy after all). However, none of her arguments helped, and we had to end the session short because neither of us was in the mood any longer.

The problem is a simple matter of integrity

This experience reminded me of a similar one that happened about a year ago, when I was meeting up with my friends from high school – and consequently my ex-girlfriend with whom I had broken up three years prior. She had a boyfriend at the time, and like Cecilia, she received a phone call from him as we were having dinner. After a few minutes of conversation, she excused herself to the restroom – while still carrying her cellphone – and came back with an exhausted expression on her face. She told me later that her boyfriend was angry she was spending time with me, even with our other friends along.

The problem I see with both cases, is a simple matter of integrity. I’m not boasting this off, but it is true that both of these men feel threatened by me because I have better integrity than them. In the case of the ex, she had already been dating her boyfriend before we broke up, making their relationship based on a foundation of distrust. In the case of Cecilia, I am one of the few men (if not only) whose “mission” is to help her become a better person; which has caused me to do a number of extraordinary things for her.

The other problem I notice with these two cases, is they are undoable mistakes; it needs not to happen at all in the first place, for it to be alright. When we face our problems without integrity, knowing that it will expose a hole in our character or relationship, of course we feel threatened. The fear comes mostly not from being worried the relationship might fail, but because it will reveal our weaknesses that we’ve denied and tried to conceal all along.

The armor of jealousy

I consider myself fortunate to have been aware of the importance of integrity since early on in life. Integrity is one of those things that you need to get perfect from the beginning – there are only a few mistakes you can afford, and they are very hard to erase once you have made them. Even if you can forgive and make peace with yourself, the memory of the mistake still has the opportunity to haunt you and rear it’s ugly non-dead face at some future moment in your life.

Cecilia’s “mistake” is considered as a mistake by her fiance because he can’t see the bigger picture. He only focused on it being a mistake, instead of what value can be created from the experience. Because he can’t see the bigger picture (since he has not the sensitivity or insight), he focused only on the minor dynamics. And when you focus on the minor, any little hiccup can cause you aggravation and anxiety.

Both of these relationships are without a strong foundation of integrity. Love is not about keeping keeps, but about pure and solid trust in the growth of both characters; Love can not be hurt by the simple act of infidelity (as I experienced, but did not destroy me and only made me stronger). If we feel threatened and think our relationship is in jeopardy, it means we have no integrity, and therefore nothing solid to protect us except the armor of jealousy and the childish behavior we keep as our weapon.

Love cannot be without integrity; there are too many challenges inherent in it to face only with naivete romance. Feeling like you speak the same language is not strong enough either. Love needs to be based on a solid principle, one which transcends all our mortal desires.

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[1] Photograph by ~01000100

Cecilia used to be an iPhone user, but now she’s crossed over to being a Blackberry owner. Her Blackberry was skinned with a green-and-pink floral pattern that made the device look more for fun than for business. That’s one of the things that I find attractive about Cecilia: she’s a nonchalant, free-spirited girl who shows her slight disagreement for social norms by dying her hair in a failed orange shade.

Considering her non-mindfulness, I take it as a privilege of mine to be one of few people who can instantly be engaged in a serious conversation with Cecilia. Though most of the time, I need to keep balance between serious thoughts and a joke or two, because Cecilia tends to lose the plot once in a while. But today, she’s able to keep up with our conversation about her soon-to-be-married life without much distraction (except for the occasional BB ping once every while).

In her previous relationships with countless boys (we’ve both lost count on how many ex-boyfriends she’s had), she did it mostly for fun than to find a serious relationship. That’s why the thought of being married is slightly daunting for her, because she knows it won’t last with her current attitude for relationships. Cecilia asked me how she should approach married life, and I told her the difference about romance in dating and romance in marriage.

The grand vs the small

When we date, we seek out the grand romantic gestures and the beautiful feeling of a first date or a first kiss. This is the dream of youth: to be swirled away by the fairy tale romance in our own individual storylines. But this overrated drama where relationships are always full of romance and adventure, is short lived, or at least not as epic as we would like it to be.

In marriage, being romantic is more about the little things over a long span of time rather than the big things that die out quickly. Yes, the grand gestures have their place, and should be done once in a while, but it’s the subtleties and insinuations that win in the long run. Failure to realize the difference means failure to live the relationship to the fullest.

In a more general point of view, consistency of little ideas wins over epicness of big ideas almost all of the time. Youth is led to believe that it’s the big things that we need to pursue in life, but the truth is the reverse of that. In order to achieve success in any area of life, we need to practice the consistent baby steps, in order to be masters of walking, running, and flying.

Therefore, true romance takes time. You can’t hurry love (as Phil Collins says), but it’s not about waiting either. It’s about putting in the hard work and being aware of the everyday subtleties in order to avoid discreet mistakes that add up from small cracks to big fissures that can ultimately break the relationship.

The grand and the small

Cecilia dipped the straw in her non-coffee coffee shop beverage and tasted the whipped cream on top. She thought about the idea of taking baby steps in marriage, and nodded in agreement. Cecilia mentioned she was trying to change her attitude and pay more attention to the little things.

Not that her fiance is oblivious to romance; in fact he’s quite romantic, but mainly in the grand gesture kind of way. Cecilia mentioned that sometimes, even though he does romantic things for her, she doesn’t pay any attention to it and makes no special note of it. I guess she’ll have to work on it, like everybody else does in their relationships.

I’ve always believed that Cecilia had more to her than the frivolous high maintenance image she displays. Sometimes she does go off on a superficial tangent, but if you know her you know that’s just her style. Meanwhile, my style is to make her see, the kind of good person that I believe she could be.

And like I said, Phil Collins:

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