Passionate Living

by Ernie

Previously on Passionate Living [1], I talked about how injuries are inevitable when working towards success in life. These injuries are worth taking and are OK because it involves us alone, but most of us choose the reverse option: hurt other people instead. It’s easier to go through life hurting other people so we don’t have to be injured ourselves.

I’ve noticed this enough times in the environment surrounding me, whether in family, in friends, or at work in the studio. The default behavior of most of us is the instinct to survive, which makes respecting the feelings of people around us difficult. We don’t pay attention to the language we use, and we are eager to prove we are right even when it doesn’t create value.

In family, the things we say are sometimes infused with insinuations that neither party dares to bring up into the conversation with frontal words but instead does a dance around it without admitting the elephant in the room. In work, sometimes we disrespect our co-worker or blame failure on her incompetency when it was the responsibility of the whole team; sometimes we wash our hands of this responsibility, and team leaders justify themselves on the merit they have given the orders but didn’t lead the team through the execution. It’s easier to put the weight on another person’s shoulder so we don’t have to carry that weight ourselves.

Humans of limited capacity

One of the main reasons why we tend to hurt other people to save ourselves is exhaustion: we are often tired at the end of the day from work and bring negative energy home. Little trivial mistakes by our spouses or children are distorted by our ego, and we fill in the blanks by bringing up past mistakes. Sentences like, “You are always -” or “You never -” are used often when in fact it was they only made the mistake once or twice before.

We are humans of limited capacity, and we are humans of highly biased opinions. The mistake we often make is connecting things that don’t truly have a causal relationship, and we become victims in every environment we visit by filling in the blanks ourselves with our biased stigmas. We are quick to say we have it the hardest while every body else has it easy, especially if they have extra talent such as beauty or wealth.

When we think of ourselves as victims, we will always have the tendency to hurt or blame other people for the misfortunes that happen to us. It might make us feel lighter for a while, but it does nothing to show our character and it surely does nothing to build the relationship. Hurting other people is the lesser choice, but the more popular one.

An innocent mistake

This is why I am careful with my attitude towards other people, and why I pay attention to the details and insinuations. Because it’s the default behavior of us, I try to understand the motive behind the words when someone tries to hurt me so I can see their true intention even if they don’t realize it themselves. I’m also paying more attention to the little things people say and acting upon it as soon as possible.

When I’m right, I don’t drive the point home. If you’re right, then the simple quality of the principle should establish understanding between either party without having to rely on artificial techniques. Never laugh at someone who made an innocent mistake, and just be quiet when they are admitting they were wrong inside their heart.

To close this essay, let me give you a simple example. Back in college when I was sitting in class waiting for the lecturer to come, a girl beside me thought she was being called and she looked around and replied to another girl who was instead calling out to another person. This innocent mistake made a boy behind me laugh and jeer at her, and I saw it embarrassed her. I wanted to tell the boy that he shouldn’t behave like that, and I wanted to tell the girl, “Don’t worry Honey, happens to me all the time.”

Now isn’t that easier?

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[1] Injuries Part 1: How to Hurt Yourself, 2010
[2] Photograph by Ernie. Because we like to hurt each other.

Cry Over

“There was a time when I cried over a broken toy. It stopped. There was a time when I cried over a broken heart. It stopped.”

It breaks my heart every time I flashback to my childhood memories. I feel guilty when I remember I used to cry over a broken toy, and my parents would be busy finding a way to fix it. As if it was the most important thing in my life.

It makes me feel guilty because it makes me feel small. It makes me feel ashamed that my world was so narrow. And I always demanded that it be fixed right now.

Granted, that is the point of growing up: to be a better more mature person, and leave the childish pursuits behind [1]. The point when I changed was when I learned to laugh at myself. It helped me be more relaxed and easy towards the things that usually made me worry.

Fast forward ten years later. Broken toys don’t make me cry (at least not as much), but broken hearts still did. And I really took my time to heal.

It felt wrong because I was postponing my life waiting for someone who kept moving on with hers. I knew I had to change, or else I would be perpetually trapped in this vortex of sadness. But growing up this time wasn’t an easy thing to do.

I said to myself I’d give four years. I ended up using only one (if you can call that an achievement). There were some major catalysts along the way, but in hindsight I realized it was mainly because I wrote my spiritual memoir [2].

As I’ve shared before, I keep a journal, and every year there’s a theme that becomes the title for it. After finishing writing the spiritual memoir, the coda (the final chapter) was titled “Hope”. “Hope” also became the theme of my journal at the beginning of the next year.

Love was a strong motivation for me, much like playing was an important part of my childhood. But Hope became an even stronger motivation: the aspiration to be an independent person, to stand on my own two feet, and have my own dreams to pursue. That’s why I say happiness is a conscious choice, because I achieved my happiness by making it an active effort.

Love leads to Hope, and Hope leads to discovery: there is a greater purpose in life. The cliche still applies: time is the best healer, but we can determine how much time we take to heal. I finally realized postponing my life wasn’t the best idea, so I accelerated the process as fast as I could.

Maybe broken hearts still make you cry. For now, let it be, and it’s alright. But there’s a time when you should allow it to happen, and a time when you should no longer allow it inside. The question is: which time is it?

The answer: it’s always time to change.

Attraversiamo. Let’s cross over.

—

[1] However, not *all* childish pursuits should be left behind. The greatest achievers are usually still very much in touch with their inner child. The point is to know which one is still worth pursuing
[2] Write Your Own Spiritual Memoir, 2009
[3] Attraversiamo is a term I learned from Elizabeth Gilbert’s freakish best-seller “Eat, Pray, Love“. It’s a recommended read

Storm in a water glass by Matt and Kim Rudge

There’s been an air of illness around lately. I don’t know whether it’s true for you too, but in my circle there have been enough people falling ill it makes me wonder. From my colleagues in the studio, to my friends, to my baby nephew who’s having difficulty handling polluted air.

My baby nephew is a cheerful and playful boy by nature: he’s usually up and running and playing with his sister in the morning. But lately he’s been affected by dirty air since a recent visit to the fireman station last Friday. Everybody in the house is thinking how to get him back to his normal health.

It made me think also, and I suggested that he be brought to this physician that treated my illness six years ago. The good think about this physician is he doesn’t only heal my condition, he also teaches me how to maintain my health by keeping a healthy diet and exercise routine. And he is an advocate of natural medicine: there’s something about pharmaceutical drugs that go against his conscience.

I suggested my baby nephew to be brought to this physician, because even though he’s been to the doctor he only seems to be getting worse. I worry it’s actually because of the pharmaceutical medicine and antibiotics that’s prescribed to him. Maybe it’s making him more ill, instead of healing him.

I haven’t taken any drugs myself since six years ago, and I’ve been the healthiest in my life – the most that can happen is a flu which usually heals in a day. It leads me to believe that relying on pharmacy drugs may actually be harmful to our immune system. In it’s place, now I drink supplements made from organic substances to maintain a healthy respiratory and digestive system (since I’ve found out my health problems are sourced in these two).

Drinking enough water has also been vital in keeping good health for me. I used to catch a flu easily, but since drinking enough water, the frequency has decreased drastically. It turns out regulating my body temperature helps me to avoid a lot of the sickness I used to have.

I think pharmaceutical medicines are only good when you have an external wound, like a burn or a cut. It isn’t good when you have an internal illness though. These things take a different approach to healing.

As I said before, there are many professions in our society that suffer from a conflict of interest, and our medical system is one major one. Their motto is to save lives and regain health but they make their profit from people who are ill. If everybody stays healthy most of the time, do you think the pharmaceutical industry would still be a large and lucrative industry?

That’s why we should take our health into our own responsibility. Relying on pharmacy doctors and health insurances is practically out of our circle of influence. But maintaining a healthy mind and lifestyle is something we can do consistently everyday.

Cheers to good health.

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*In the first post this year, I mentioned my resolution to write and release 26 songs in 52 weeks. Well, here’s the first song! Tell me what you think:

It’s True by Endy Daniyanto

[1] Photograph by Matt Rudge. Because you need to be properly hydrated