Passionate Living

THE BLACK SWAN theory is based on the previous English belief that all swans are white; this was accepted as unquestionable truth by the British from “thousands of years of observations”, until they landed upon the shores of Australia where, lo and behold, they found a black swan. In modern terms, the Black Swan is a term used to describe an event that is very unlikely to happen (in the magnitude of almost impossible in statistical terms), yet happens anyway and has a significant impact in human history and society, whether politically and/or culturally. The Black Swan, as Nassim Nicholas Taleb puts it, is “the impact of the highly improbable”.

THE BLACK SWAN book became a Black Swan experience as I read it; I didn’t expect to learn so much from a field of study that I rarely read about. Originally, I was considering buying one of Malcolm Gladwell’s book (particularly Outliers), but I felt I already knew what Gladwell talks about – so I decided to take a chance and see what would happen with the Black Swan. True to the Black Swan theory, this unexpected event became a positive experience for me, because I learned much about philosophy through the eyes of the empirical skeptic Nassim Taleb (or NNT as he abbreviates himself), and also learned a beautiful term for something that has been on my mind for some time: DOMAIN DEPENDENCE.

The meat of The Black Swan talks about “how not to be a turkey”, where NNT emphasizes the importance of the things we don’t know yet let this unknowledge take control of the most important decisions in our lives. But for me the greatest lesson was hidden in a two word term, mentioned only once throughout the whole book; a term that gave me a eureka moment where pieces of a jigsaw puzzle fell into place and the light to the answer became brighter. Domain dependence, is the lesson for this month.

I used to call it COMPLIANCE; and to better illustrate the point, let’s take an example of a story. There are many personal development and motivational seminars nowadays, ranging from FREE to full-fledged limited-gala-dinner VIP packages, and many people interested in participating in these events. A person may come to a seminar, obtain a new paradigm, experience good change within him – change that gives him more strength to strive for his dreams – and get a boost of positive energy for days maybe weeks to come. Yet, after some time, that energy dissipates and he returns to his previous condition, where he is without the focus and courage he felt during the seminar. He then goes to another seminar, repeats the process, experiences the same emotions, gains the same confidence, and returns to normal life with a new found energy again. But the cycle repeats, and after some time, he runs out of energy, again.

This person may attend enough personal seminars that he knows the material off by heart and may even be able to become a speaker himself. Yet he keeps needing to come back to the same seminars, the same experience, the same keywords, the same charts and explanations, the same homework to do when the seminar ends, and the same motivation to do what needs to be done. He can’t keep the energy he grew at the seminar, and keep it also at the place where he needs to make a change. This is called DOMAIN DEPENDENCE; the inability to transfer our powers in one domain of our lives (for example, confidence during motivational seminars), to another domain in our lives that need work (for example, a broken or stagnant family relationship).

I used to call it COMPLIANCE, because this is my belief: after attending a motivational seminar, our minds think we have done enough, our energy feels used and satisfied, so we are compliant when we return to our natural habitats. We are compliant, because we think we have already become part of the change and part of the solution. The truth is; developing our paradigm is only the first step – after, action needs to be done, and that can’t be done if we are still COMPLIANT or DOMAIN DEPENDENT.

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Introducing the Starbucks with Cecilia mini-series! This is a series of posts inspired by a fictional coffee session I had with a fictional friend of mine whom I shall name Cecilia: a 23 year-old jazz pianist who’s living in Bali with her half-Dutch, quarter-Brazilian, and quarter-Indonesian fiance.

Cafe Cafe by Protoguy

Several weeks ago I met Cecilia over at one of the many Starbucks joints in Jakarta. Of course, it was located at a prestigious shopping center (it wouldn’t be Starbucks with all the superficial sophistication atmosphere now would it?). She ordered her favorite drink – that didn’t even have any coffee in it – and I ordered the same because I don’t drink coffee, then we sat down at the patio where she could break out a cigarette or two.

It had been a while since we last met – since she’s living in Bali and all that – and I quickly learned she was having troubles with her fiance. Cecilia and I don’t meet very often, but when we do we are quick to jump the small talk and get to the serious discussions – because we both know we don’t have a lot of time. The topic was a slight surprise – though not completely unprepared – when she told me she was thinking about having an affair.

I didn’t reply or comment or be hasty with judgments; I waited for Cecilia to tell the whole story before giving her my opinion. She told me she had been feeling bored and stagnant in her relationship with her fiance, and this chance for a romantic skip felt like a breath of fresh air. But she also told me she knew it was a stupid thing to do, and wondered why do people have affairs anyway.

And so, like the ever faithful and resourceful half-best-friend, half-natural-psychologist I am, I took this as my queue.

The offer of an escape

“This is just me running from my problems, and you running from yours”

That’s what Cecilia said the man said to her. “How dare he!” I thought to myself, to call himself an adult when he still runs away from his problems and even involves someone else in the process. Running away is never the answer, and always the problem – and it’s a major discomfort to know that you don’t have the courage to face your problems.

It has always crushed my heart whenever I think about my friends who are running away from their problems instead of facing them. Once in my childhood, I thought about running away from my problems by moving to another school because I was being bullied by a boy in the current one. But I thought it wouldn’t be real, and the fear of being bullied would always haunt me until I took the courage to face it. My friends usually stood up for me, but that day I stood up for myself and defended my friends when he tried to bully me again. Turns out he wasn’t that tough, and since that day he left me in peace.

Being an adult doesn’t mean we don’t get bullied like we did way back in school – we just have more discreet forms of being bullied. Whether we are threatened by other people, or by the foolishness of our own actions, having the courage to stand up and fight is always a virtue we need armed if we are to succeed in life. Running away could never be an option, unless you plan to spend 17 years exiling yourself in a virtual paradise and constantly saying “this is only temporary” [1].

I remember the story of a character from a video game I once played – Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced [2]. In the game, the main character enters a dream world that is made based on the inner desires of one of his friend. His friend turns into the king of this dream world, and when the main character asks why he’s doing this, the friend answers “Because I want my mother back alive” (his mother had died in the real world story of this game, leaving him to live with his awkward father).

There’s another story from another game – Steambot Chronicles [3]. After defeating the main villain and his accomplice – who turned out to be one of the female and most beautiful team mates all along – a member of the team couldn’t believe that she was dead, and spent an entire year searching for her. His feeling of loss was so severe, he couldn’t accept the reality of her death and became the most miserable, depressed, and lonely soul in the game’s universe.

All these examples, real or surreal, point to the fact that running away from our problems is an unreal escape at best. Today we might be able to escape, but tomorrow the problem will come knocking on our front door again. Maybe not immediately, maybe not for some time, but it will always haunt our lives wherever we may run away to.

The real face of adversity

“It is kind of stupid isn’t it?” asked Cecilia as she took another sip of her non-coffee coffee shop beverage. I nodded my head slightly, giving her the space to acknowledge that she’s only escaping reality without having to be all judgmental on her. She put the cup down and stirred the glass absent-mindedly.

Choosing the courage to stand up to your problems takes a substantial amount of energy. Sometimes the problems are so huge and so life determining, that it’s much much easier to run away. But your heart will be crushed everyday when you wake up and realize that everything you wake up to is a fraud.

Don’t build a dream world and escape into it. Don’t be the most miserable and depressed person in existence. Don’t risk the reality of a real love in exchange for the possibility of a summer romance.

We all need to make the right choices. And the right choices are always the difficult ones. That’s how you know you’re making the right choice, is when it breaks your heart to keep it.

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[1] Elizabeth Gilbert talked about this phenomenon with expatriats living in Bali in her autobiography “Eat Pray Love”. Most of them say it’s only temporary, but some of them have been living there for years. Most of them were running away from superficial lives or ugly divorces
[2] We can learn quite a lot from playing video games. Here is the Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced website if you’re interested in finding out more
[3] Steambot Chronicles has one of the saddest video game storylines I’ve ever played, and also one of the most beautiful soundtracks I’ve ever heard. Here is the official Steambot Chronicles website
[4] Art by Protoguy. Because this is a fictional series, needs some fictional art

After postponing for more than a month, last Sunday I attended my premiere Parkour practice session (bonus achievement points for me!). I’m interested in the exercise because of the connection I made after watching District 13, a movie featuring expert Parkour talents. As I shared in a previous article [1], I can relate well with the philosophy behind the art of movement that is Parkour.

high wire 2 by Graeme Maclean

During my childhood I suffered from Altophobia, a fear of heights. When I was at a high level from ground, I would lose my balance and felt heavy to one side – like I was constantly going to fall. I managed to overcome this fear during one out bond session I had several years ago as part of a larger personal breakthrough training, but I think a part of it still remains inside me today.

I was made aware once again of my fear of heights when we entered the balancing exercises where we tiptoed above a steel fence that had a cylindrical form. I kept thinking that I would fall off, and I couldn’t keep proper balance. Back on the ground though, I looked at the others tiptoeing and I thought to myself if it was lower I would certainly be able to keep balance. Why does the mere addition of height make me unable to perform what I would otherwise be able to do on low ground?

Fear of falling

Having fear of heights isn’t about the height itself as much as it is about the perception of height. Perception adds depth and a narrative towards the substance that may or may not have it. For some people, heights are threatening while for some people it isn’t.

Whether it be heights or something else, the perception we have in life forms our beliefs and also forms our fears. When we perceive, we don’t see things as they are – we see things as we interpret them. Perception is an important concept to understand in sound and music, since perception is the reason why people have different tastes – because they have their own narrative and their own opinions on the subject matter.

The things we fear come from our perception of that thing. A scientist may not be afraid of a tarantula like a normal person would, because the perception of the scientist and the normal person is different, even though the substance is the same: a tarantula. Difference of perception results in difference of thoughts and images that appear in our head, ultimately resulting in difference of reaction: the scientist is in awe, the normal person runs for his life.

Fear has its own benefit, and some degree of fear is essential to our survival after all. But for the things in life that determine our success, our perception of our environment and our own capabilities tend to obstruct more than it helps us to achieve our goals. Before anything is said and done, we already back off or reject the opportunity because our perception already tells us a pre-fabricated story that may not be true.

I’m going to fail at this job.
She’ll never accept my proposal.
But what if they think my idea is stupid?

Real substance

There are as many perceptions as there are lives who have lived and experienced stories. Yet, any substance we meet in real life is the same substance as anybody else meets. When we see a plane, we see a plane. But while one person may think of it as a dream to fly, another person might see it as a highly risky way to travel.

We need to learn to see the real substance, if not for the mere acknowledgment of it alone. If we still are afraid because of our perception, at least be aware about it. Don’t blame the substance when it’s your perception that’s at fault.

As I was standing on top of that fence with my right hand constantly on the wall, I laughed at myself because I realized this was silly. I can keep my balance, but why can’t I keep it up here? The fear of heights made me paralyzed, and I couldn’t move without taking my hand off the wall.

Our fear of things get in the way of our dreams.

Maybe we can achieve it, maybe we can’t. But we won’t know if we are too afraid to try it in the first place. To overcome fear, we need to understand our perception that forms the fear in the first place. Then maybe, overcoming fear is as simple as changing our perception.

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[1] That’s Why They’re Called Parkour ARTISTS, 2009
[2] Photograph by Graeme Maclean. Because we shouldn’t be afraid