Passionate Living

A week ago I went to a mall with my sister’s family, including my niece and nephew. There was a part of the mall that was made into a miniature theme park for young children. My sister brought them to this theme park so that they could ride the miniature train that went round every once in a while.

When we got there, the train was making it’s rounds so we had to wait. While we were waiting for the train, my sister decided to let the children ride the merry-go-round first. But as my niece rode on the horse going around, she looked kind of tense and scared.

At first I thought that she didn’t like riding carousels. Small children can be scared of the funniest things. But when I asked my mother why my niece looked like that, she said that my niece didn’t enjoy the pretty horses because she wanted to ride on the train first.

Enjoy the ride

My niece’s expression was completely innocent but it made me think about the way adults can’t learn to be in the moment. Even though I think that carousels are also fun for children, my niece couldn’t enjoy herself because she was busy thinking about the train she wanted to ride. And in a way I think that many adults also can’t enjoy their lives because they are too busy thinking about something else.

When is my next promotion?
How long do I have to be here?
This is boring. When can I go home?

Most of the time we are busy doing one thing but thinking about another thing. We can’t focus. We can’t learn to enjoy the process and understand that there will be a time when we can get to whatever it is that we are thinking.

The funny thing is, we are rarely where we are. When at the office, we think about being home with the family. But at home, we think about the work we need to do tomorrow.

This inability to focus is more damaging than we think. We get frustrated at not being able to get results. We find all the excuses we can so that someone else or something else is to blame.

What is it that we really want?

Happiness is the mind being where the body is. Learn to be focused at the task currently at hand. Finish it with as much quality as you can with the resources that you have.

Be at peace with activity. If you’re stuck doing something you’re not loving, then you seriously need to ask yourself why you’re doing it. Most of the time though, it’s just because we are complaining creatures by default.

Focus and enjoy the process. When I’m by myself I don’t wish for friends because I know there will come a time when I am with my friends. When I have nothing to do I let it flow because I know there will be a time when I lose sleep because of a dense schedule. Do the same, just let go.

Take it easy. Just do it. And just love it.

Do you feel trapped with your activities right now? Do you feel like you’re constantly thinking about other places except where you are? How does this affect your achievements?

—

[1] For another article inspired by children: The Authenticity of Children – When Do We Stop Being Young?, 2009
[2] Photograph by Edward Tong

Eid Fitr sure does bring in a fair share of blessings. It’s a good reason to catch up with relatives and friends we haven’t talked to in a while. Continuing from my last post [1] that was inspired by a conversation I had with some elementary school friends, this post is inspired from an idea I had when I met up with a good friend from my college days.

Since he and I were quite close back in the day (and we met up just the two of us), we were able to pack in a quality conversation in a short amount of time. The usual questions about what each of us are doing now were answered and covered fast to allow us to move into the more serious part of conversation. If you’ve read my last post, you’ll remember I said that this is the best part (and best kind of) conversation you can have with a friend.

I need to note that this friend of mine attempted to become an entrepreneur back in the college days, and he did have several businesses. But most of those businesses (actually I think all of them) stopped making results after a while. Now he’s working as an employee in an electronics company (he’s an electrical engineer by training).

We eventually came to the topic of business owner mindset versus employee mindset. He said that since now he has an employee mindset (versus a business owner mindset that he had during his college years), he is thinking more and more about stability and saving his income for the future. He said that this is what his co-workers mostly talk about. In detail they complain about not yet having a private home, a private car, and whether they would still have a job by next year.

What a small mindset indeed!

He mentioned that in his optimistic days as a budding entrepreneur, when he talked about the future – he talked about the future. As in how can he achieve more wealth and more assets, how can he build a more quality life together with his (at the time) girlfriend, and how he can become the person he wants to be. He wasn’t afraid of dreaming big achievements that would seem threatening to the employee mindset.

The effective mindset

In his college days, my friend had a girlfriend. I asked him when he was going to propose to her (even though he told me they had broke up several years ago). Several years back, he said, he was confident about proposing but now he feels that he needs to have an “achievement” first.

I asked him what he meant by “achievement”. For him right now, achievement means the tangible results of a permanent job (he’s still under a temporary contract with his employer), and having either a private home or car. He assumes that by achieving these achievements he will gain a greater sense of identity and responsibility to be able to approach his former girlfriend with confidence.

But what is achievement?

There’s artificial achievement and there’s true achievement. Artificial achievement are the things that are not natural to you, such as a house or a car or even getting married [2]. True achievement are the things that are organic to you, that are tied to your true identity and have been with you since birth. True achievement can’t be stolen or confiscated, while artificial ones can be destroyed in less than one hundredth of the time it took for you to build them.

But the striking idea I had came when I asked myself: why do we struggle for these artificial achievements? Why are we so worried about job securities when we think about our future? For who do we slug it out each day for eight hours, five days a week?

Children.

(or future children, for those who are still planning).

Isn’t that who we do it for?

But yet there seems to be one fatal flaw in this design:

Even though we claim to be working hard and making compromises for our children, we still fail to bring them happiness.

Now tell me where’s the logic in that again?

I think I’ve lost the plot.

True achievement is hard work

We should focus more on true achievement, and less on the artificial ones. Whatever reason we’re trapping ourselves in a less than passionate life, admit it and then fix it. It is much more worth your time to focus on the things you can change instead of complaining about the things that are out of your influence.

We should focus on having the business owner mindset and be responsible for our welfare, happiness, and identity, rather than have an employee mindset and trade our wealth for little gain. Nobody will be responsible for you and for your children. It is 100% up to you to make the right choices and make them now, so make sure you take the time to educate yourself on the choices available to you and explore how you can achieve success financially and psychologically.

We should develop the vision to see results in the long run. Be a silent runner. Nobody needs to see you running, but make sure you are there at the finish line.

What mindset do you have? Is this the right mindset to bring you happiness? Are you succeeding according to your plan?

—

[1] Checkbox: Are You Happy? Yes or No, 2009
[2] Get Married – Function of Person of Function of Time, 2009
[3] Photograph by David Sim

What’s the part that you love most when you meet up with old friends or best friends that you haven’t seen in a long time? For me it’s when the topic of discussion gets hot and the real juicy stuff is revealed. Usually this happens after the initial how are you’s and what are you up to’s are said and done with.

Yesterday I met up with some elementary school friends for the Halal Bihalal after Eid Fitr. We made an appointment for dinner and most of us stayed around until 10 o’clock before going home (considering that the next day is still a working day). But the real juicy staff started at the after party (or the after party’s after party, to be more precise).

During the dinner, we mostly talked about what our jobs are now and what are our plans for the immediate future. The place was kind of too loud and crowded to start any intimate conversations. So we kept it down to the nostalgia and the occasional affectionate reminder of our stupid selves when we were children.

But the real benefit to be had from these reunions are the real stories and experiences of our friends. The worlds that we live in can be vastly different, therefore our views and beliefs can be narrowly shaped by the reality we live in. Listening to what our friends have learned during their time growing up can be valuable to discover facts or behavior about society and about our world in general in relation to the insights and lessons that we ourselves have found.

But what I noticed also happens and tends to become a trend during meetings like this is that we compare our achievements to that of our friends (or worse, to people completely unrelated to us). It might even go further as to compare our happiness to that of our friends, which is as dangerous as it can get. Unless you have a strong and independent identity, comparing yourself will only make you feel less good about yourself.

The real story of success

I notice that there’s a certain assumption that we make when admiring the success of our heroes, celebrities, and people we know. We majorly focus on their material success and we always think that they are lucky or have it easy or must be in a really good place in their lives right now. We think that they must be in a place brimming with happiness and convenience.

But when I ask my successful friends about it (my friends who are married or are working in a multinational oil and gas company or are enjoying life abroad), they reveal that it isn’t all ha-ha-hee-hee.

And that is true. It isn’t all ha-ha-hee-hee. It’s blood, sweat, and tears, and the highest price of all is that success can cost you your integrity.

High paying career in a leading metropolitan fashion magazine. Check.
Access and membership to the most exclusive circles in society. Check.
Vacation home in the south of France. Check.

But behind the scenes, the models b*tch at each other, tenders are sabotaged, and backstabbing is a highly crafted art. The house is on mortgage, the car on loan, and the family on life support courtesy of your friendly neighborhood credit card. Love is hard, compromise is made, and no amount of shopping or indulging can bring a smile on your face.

And that’s the bottom line: happy.

We sacrifice our identity just to become the kind of people we don’t want to be. We compromise our independence just to get the approval of people not important to our future. We surrender our wealth to get just enough money to get by.

This is not the way to live.

Instead of values, we have conformity. Instead of character we have statuses. And instead of principles, we have justification.

Does this make you happy? Is it worth it? Can you look at yourself in the mirror and justify what you’ve done for the success you’ve achieved?

The other real story of success

Integrity. Character. Principles.

True success can only be achieved by building it based on these foundations. Both material and spiritual happiness can be achieved side by side with each other. Without compromise or corruption.

But it takes time. You have to make a stand. You have to be brave to be different.

You have to understand that your friends and even your family may not be willing to make the same choice as you. Understand that our current state of society is not built upon true values and principles and therefore it won’t be the popular choice (but hey, what’s the fun in going mainstream right?). Understand that there is always the behind the scene directors cut unrated version of other people’s success that at first look like a story worth being part of.

So, back to the beginning question just to stir you up in the morning or while having your first cup of coffee at the office: